smeareddoll

It is too hard to define how a break-up affects a person.. Some people are very good in handling such that they excel in their  field of choice after a bad break-up; but most people are awkwardly drifting away from what they have planned. Dreams are shattered; lives are destroyed and sanity leaves them into such a state of depression. What is it with break-up that most women like me suffered, from what we call “disorientation?” I have been from a long-term relationship and I could say that it has affected me so much that I somehow turned alcoholic. Yes, I admit, much more than most women do, that I suffered too much from such break-up. Man, it was no joke. Every song I hear, every sign I see, reminds me so much of him. We were happy then. But since things have turned the opposite of what we planned, I felt that I lost a big part of me- I lost and am still losing. We have planned for our wedding, our children to be, and so on…. But now, what were left of me are just memories of what has been. The plans fell apart, and the hurt is just what is left of me. Finding a new partner was such a difficult task. Not that I really searched for someone- it was more like an unexpected agreement. I would not want to brag so much about that person but I’m hoping he is better. I loved my ex- I loved him to the extent that I thought he was the one but it seemed that we were not really meant for each other. Take note of the term I used: SEEMED. After what has transpired between us, I learned that nothing is really permanent in this world except “change“. I should never say “never”. Broken promises are the hardest to take- especially when you whole-heartedly believed in them. Now, I’m learning that what is important is the present. Cherish what you have for the moment- without expecting anything in return. Take things easily, as they should be. Never demand anything from someone who has lived a full life even before you came along. Change should come from within and happiness should be OF your own- not based on whether you have someone beside you or none. Life is full of magical moments and you should take each of them gratefully. If not for those moments, God, I wonder what kind of life you have! I know, these things are easier said than done but trying to live life fully would not do any harm, would it? A lost life can be found, losing life can be relieved and when you lose one, it can be revived.

to those who are sick and tired of listening to my cries and fears; to those who kept on boosting up my self-esteem; for those people who went out of their way to comfort me; to those who appreciated the real me- THANK YOU!

i admit that i am a complicated person once you get to know me…. i could be the kindest girl you’ve ever known and then a minute later the worst there is ever! but when i come to think of it, it is in my darkest days that i see who really cares for me. those who are not afraid to tell me my mistakes, faults,etc. and those who could see clearly what is really going on in a particular situation that i am in.

i feel like an amateur- but they sure are a big help to me! especially shielani and nikki… 🙂 everytime i log on to my ym account, ‘m seriously hoping they’re on too! i mean, that had been our means of communication since we do not belong to the same mobile networks so the essence of unlimited texting doesn’t actually affect us. anyway, they have been my counselors and my shoulders-to-cry-on…. they both saw me in my happy-icon moments and sad-faced-icon moments since last month. 🙂 but they are my friends way, way back in HS…

this blog is for them. i love them dearly and i’m very grateful for all that they have done for me!

amazing!

in the stillness of my boring life, it’s amazing how i could find ways to thank God for every bit of happiness i get to feel everyday. Little by little, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

i’m learning to appreciate simple things in life. i have a new job now and it does not demand much of my time because it is not an “everyday thing.” i have more time for friends, family- and most especially for myself. i’m not bound to any complicated commitments… Yes, I’m free and happy and i don’t quite miss having someone looking after me, if you catch my drift. also, i’m doing part-time singing inmy brother’s band- yeah, it is only part-time for i only get to sing whenever the original girl-vocalist is not around. but it’s an ok-deal for me because i cannot really do it on a regular basis. but here’s the catch: i compose the songs for the band. i do this in support for my brother who’s actually into the band-thing. i hope we could reach the quota soon so we could record our demo! woohoo!!!

i  never felt this kind of freedom before. i hope i could taste some more of this liberty so i could finally move on and try to live independently. i’m serious. i’m not getting any younger, see?! i have to learn how to do things the right way, be able to decide on hard-core situations correctly and get a hold of myself!

i guess there’s no turning back now….

cheers to the newlyweds!!!

to Herbert and Blanca, may you live happily ever after!!!!

huhuhu! i am so bored. i have been sick for almost a week now- with different sorts of illness! am i being punished? 😦 i hope not. i’m trying to be a good girl now. (totoo!)

i miss the outside air… i miss my friends.. my insomiac buddies… the sneak-outs and booze… sigh! i hope i’m better tomorrow.

im currently listening to “be yourself” by audioslave.

it’s 1:17AM. wednesday, August 2, 2006

i can feel my curls on my shoulder, while tapping my feet on the chair im sitting in.

my head’s bangin’ on the beat of the song!!!

i’m thinking— (blank)

eto na naman ako… para kasing hindi nakukumpleto araw ko pag di ako nakakapag-blog…:P

i admit, im very emotional. lalo na when it comes to matters of the heart. hehehe… lam ko namang ako lang nagbabasa ng blogs ko so i can always say what i really feel. 😛

daig ko pa nawalan ng bf ngayon. grabe, hindi ko ma-take yung level ng pain ko! asus! hehehe… anyway, this person had been very close to me. he has shared his self to me, kahit na ngayon pa lang kami ulit naging close. too bad, it had to be cut again (sa ganito pang paraan) but you see, hindi ko sya hiningi. he just came to me one fine day and the rest was history. he became my most trusted friend. and i love him with all my heart. i also regret he day he walked away.

ayun, talo!

Frustrated… that’s exactly how i’m feeling right now. Have you ever gotten into a situation wherein you feel as if nobody cared about how you’re feeling? Coz that’s how i feel right now. oh yes, i could be very emotional. it’s my right being a girl! but you know what? i just feel that things shouldn’t be taken so lightly!

Here i am. A nobody. a daughter who wakes up in the afternoon for what? there’s nothing else to do but go surf the net and chat with God-knows-whoever! it’s always been the same every single day. i miss my former job but not everything about it. i miss being cared for and looked after. nobody even dared asked me questions as to how i feel… is this the life i longed for? NO. is this what i ever dreamed about? NO.

I hate myself for being such a hard-ass. i’m 21 and it seems like no one has ever taken me seriously. it’s funny though that i have wasted so much time with things/people who i thought would take me as i am. it’s just surprising how i discover that they only know me, what? half-half??

i dont even think i make sense here. however, i’m expressing these thoughts just to let this all out.

wish someone would help me find a way to carry on again…..

Hay naku! Eto na naman ako. Wala akong maisip na isulat ngayon. Para bang tamad na tamad na ‘ko gumalaw. Inaantok ako- pero di ko makuhang matulog. Balisang-balisa ako. Pero bakit? Oo, maraming tumatakbo ngayon sa isip ko na gusto ko na nga minsang takbuhan na lang ng tuluyan pero hindi maaari. Nakarating na ko rito- wala nang atrasan. Ano bang nangyayari? Hindi ko na rin alam.

Hehehe… natatawa na na lang ako mag-isa rito. Lahat ng tao dito tulog na. Wala namang kumausap sa kin ngayon dito- bukod na lang sa kasambahay namin na wala nang ginawa kundi sabihan ako ng: “Uy, seksi talaga ni ma’am, o!” sa tuwing makikita n’ya ‘ko Minsan nga naaasar na ‘ko e. Para kasing nakakagago na sya. Kahit simpleng T-shirt lang at pantalon ang suotin ko seksi pa rin sa kanya. ah ewan!

Ayun, siguro nga seksi ako.

Hahahaha!!! Mukha na talaga akong ogag dito. Lakas ko kasi tumawa. Ano pa ba? May gusto ka bang malaman? Kausapin mo naman ako!

Shet. Ito na ata ang magpapatunay sa tunay kong anyo- isang bakas ng salinlahi ni Sisa!

Ang dami kasing nangyari ngayon. Medyo “EfFecTed” ako- lalo na yung sa mom ko. Dinadaan ko lang sa patawa. Pero siguro hindi ko na rin kinaya kanina kaya napaluha na rin ako. (Baliw noh?) Ganon talaga minsan. Itatago’t itatago mo ang sakit para makita nilang malakas ka.

Wala namang makakaintindi. Lahat abala sa sa kani-kaniyang buhay. Minsan makikinig sa yo ang mga kaibigan mo pero sila mismo may dalahin din. Nakakahiya rin magsalita kung minsan. Pero syempre bilang tao, kailangan natin ang karamay. Diba? Diba?

Anong point ko ngayon? Wala. Gusto ko lang ng may kadaldalan. Pero lahat sila rito tulog na kaya rito na lang.

Lumabas kaya ako?

today i woke up at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. i missed the whole day of sunshine and good TV… in just a few hours the sun would set and darkness shall fill my world again. 

then i'll start craving for coffee then- or better yet: booze…

booze: it's what makes friends gather up, share lives and bond. i wonder if i'll get some of that tonight. i have so much to share (that's me- i barely keep secrets… i'll tell you why).

ho-hummm….. i missed the day but i miss my friends more. hope to see them later.