smeareddoll

Let me get this straight. This is not a post about my reliable and humble Personal Computer- this is about my present love, whose name I cannot disclose and for confidentiality purposes, is hidden by the initials: PC.

Here goes….

This man is comparable with the rest of the male population. He’s popular- not your average guy type and he’s boastful in so many ways. I hated him. I didn’t like his moves, I dislike his charisma. He’s very moody and snobbish most of the time. He says everything he can think of- no matter how harsh it can be. Yet one day, he saw me….

I’m unpopular, imperfect, i talk a lot. I speak my mind, I have lots of questions and a control freak. I’m vulnerable, weak and jealous but still he paid attention. During his lonely nights, he would call or text to see if im okay for a chat or something. This routine went on for a year- him coming to my place, me, finding myself driving over to his and we’re just plain talking- although not really plain talking if you catch my drift. FYI: Sex is something we haven’t done yet and for some reason it amazes me that we still haven’t done it.  Maybe he’s scared. I am too. Because every guy I’ve met in the past that shares his caliber always wanted that “something” from me. With him, I feel respected and regarded.

He does not speak sweet words or promise me anything- the set-up is quite clear. I opt to stay hidden for the very least. I am not for public’s viewing and scrutiny- I just want to love him the way he should be loved. Though in silence or in retreat. I have no face to show those cameras, though he can always be proud of me. I want to be the wind underneath his wings and the reason for his happiness, without making it seem like a big show or anything.

Backgrounder:

As inspired by the modern-day Leonardo da Vinci of my life, “the song” finally found its melody! Written under the nightsky sometime last June, it was only after a month and some days that the melody came to me. So with my loyal guitar and my flaky voice, i tried to drop its tune and to my assessment, it was not bad at all (really!)…

I am no professional when it comes to writing songs- until the other day, i just believed that i could only sing (not bragging!) and my, i am just overwhelmed that i could actually make music.

I hope i could share it with that person who inspired me… If only he knew.

nagising na naman ako ng alas-tres. witching hour ng mga batugan! gundam!!! nagsasawa na talaga ako tumambay sa bahay! pagkabangon ko mga alas-singko (o, may dalawang oras pang pahinga from tulog!), as usual naligo ako… bumaba na rin pagkatapos, kumain ng spaghetti (Happy Birthday Nicole!!!) at nag-internet. kumausap ng iilang taong di ko naman talaga kilala at nagpaalam din sila agad. maya-maya’y nainip na naman ako, kaya naisipan kong mag-log out muna.

nanood ako ng tv kasama erpats ko. ewan ko ba, di rin sya nakatagal sa presence ko, umakyat na rin agad. kaya’t nanood na lang ako mag-isa. haay, boredom!

ilang sandali pa’t naghanap ako ng makakain (ulit!) alas-siyete na kaya?! sakto, pagdating ko ng kusina, andun ang paborito kong ulam!!! guess what?!!? SINIGANG NA BANGUS!!! panalo yun!!! dami ko nakain. ayun, busog na ulet! kinabahan ako sandali dahil ipinatawag ako ng inang reyna. yari!!! baka masabon na ko! pagdating sa taas ay kinausap ako ng reyna dahil nag-aalala sya sa kin.. para na raw akong aswang. gising sa gabi, tulog sa umaga! ano raw bang iniisip ko? (kung pwede lang sumagot eh!) niyakap nya ko! awww… akala ko’y katapusan ko na! (whew! bote na lang!)

pagkatapos non, lumabas ako. pumunta ko sa bahay ng kuya ko. sa kabilang street. tumambay, nakipagharutan sa mga bata, kumain ng cookies, nanood na naman ng tv. shet! nakukurta utak ko! wala naman talaga akong masabi kaya dito na lang ako nangungulit.

katext ko pa nga si pagslee kanina… painom daw ako! sabi ko, wag na kung pagagalitan mo ko… hindi raw basta diskartehan ko! gusto ko rin talgang uminom! huhuhu!!! pero hindi pwede. may sakit ang mama ko… kaya dito lang muna ko!

ayun, talo. pag-uwi ko, andito na naman ako sa harap ng boyfriend ko (‘tong pc). browse-browse, type-type, may namimiss… may hinahanap.

pero ayaw magparamdam. kaya im still stuck up for another day….

0_o

Friends, meet my brother. He was actually named after me, when i was actually named after my dad’s “screen name.” Now, confuse me!!!

Borris Brandon P. Ramirez. He’s 5 years younger than i am and i had to admit, i wasn’t the happiest sister when he came around but i couldn’t be any grateful that i have him here.

Among other things, we have a lot of things in common- from our features (yeah, we look so much alike, don’t we?) to interests… i’m his fan when it comes to singing and of course, when he plays the drums! I’m the proudest sister ever!

But what truly inspired me to write this blog about him is that no one has ever given me so much understanding- except for him. I’m not a perfect sister nor am i a good daughter but i know he loves me. He loves me enough to actually come to me and tell me, i shouldn’t worry for everything’s gonna be alright. Whew! he came right on time! i was really feeling worse until he spoke to me.

I know he won’t be able to read this- he’s not into blogging and stuff, but i sure want to thank him for keeping an open mind and for the chance he gave me (to explain my side).

thanks braaa!!!! i mean it everytime i say, i love you!

if i am funny, then why are you crying?
if they say i’m good, then why did it turn bad?
if you say stop, why do i keep on loving?
do i always have to complicate things?

if i am smart, then why am i fooled?
if they think i’m rich, how come i’m penniless?
if you let me near, then why are you pushing?
is it me or is it you that complicate things?

alone, and shamed. there’s only me to blame
i’m lost. once vulnerably enthused. i am nothing.
are you still there? can we give it a shot?
i’m deeply surrounded by awful glances,
you never got back, you never got back.

how could i then let go of a friendship i have so treasured in exchange for a confession of a suppresed love i have kept for in such a long time?

whatsoever your statement will be, i shall freely accept. There is nothing sweeter than a reciprocated love, but if your will says otherwise, then i will live in misery- if not for a while, for eternity.

never worry about my what i shall be, for i would risk my glee for your own chosen bliss….

but if love is present in your heart divine, then nothing can surmise my happiness inside!

In my former job as an executive assistant in a film production company, I was tasked to do almost everything. From the organization of activities or events, contacting the artists, booking their schedules, arranging the budget for food, talent fees, press kits (the works!) and transportation for a certain activity. When the day of event arrives, i must make sure that no one among “my” artists gets hurt even if it takes myself to get punched or pinched by the mad fans! It was a tough job- considering i’m only 5’2 and weighs approximately a 100lbs.

I have come across lots of artists; the famous, the legends, the popular young actors and actresses of today, the not-so-popular and of course, there’s the “feeling-popular” actors (and they could be such a pain)!

When we’re in the set of a photo shoot, presscon or shooting itself, i get to have a glimpse of how they are interacting with the press, the PAs (like me) and the other crews: man, they can be very pretentious! But of course there are sincere ones like my friends in showbiz….

It’s a wonder how the masses worship these artists- if they only knew how much these gods (artists) want to have them at least 5 meters away from them when entering and exiting the venues of their shows, or shoots! What’s worse is that, these fans also dream of becoming huge celebrities themselves so as to get a taste of fame and fortune.

Anyway, despite all that, I miss my work in media (awww….)- of course minus the screaming and shouting and insults to my being. I miss the backroom people i get to work with. the directors, their staff, our staff, the service drivers, the ulitlity: those people who get almost no affirmation for their jobs just because WE are only this and that. BUT I still wish to get back to the industry i once loved- soon. if not, then i’ll be just fine to perhaps be working in some quiet office, with no one bothering me the whole time and yes, i’ll be bored more than ever.

the worst is over can you feel it?

sometimes it works that way

no matter how hard it is

chances are you have to face the truth

to hide in shame, to take the blame

it’s up to you.

never doubt your instincts- it’s your gift

having given your all- the works!

isn’t gonna make things turn out the way you want it to be

i have what it takes to see what’s inside

troubling your mind.

and though i’m just another face in the crowd,

im down with it….

it’s over. all must end

it’s inevitable i know. don’t fret. don’t run.

you only have yourself: don’t waste it.

think positive;

the smallest star you see may be the biggest there is.

reach for it.

I came home early this morning. Had a hard time sleeping. i've written poems once again and oh darn, i'm full of this hatred thing goin' on!

somebody wanted to talk to me regarding my past relationship. said she just wanted to clear things up. as if it would help. nothing's to be cleared anymore. we've gone our separate ways and i know he's happy with whom he's chosen.

 i, am happy too. but not as quite. don't want to rush into things… to expect is the least i would do. nobody owns me now. i'm my own boss. shouldn't i be glad to know that?!

 someday i will just stop hating. i know i will. someday i'll be truly happy. someone will love me (in the real sense of the word). i'll just wait here.  

reasons why i (sometimes) stay up all night:

1. UNFULFILLING DAY. isn’t every morning supposed to bring new hope? ever since i quit my job, i wake up with nothing much to do so i hold on to my handphone- stare at it for ages ’til a message or a call comes in. i try to keep in touch with some of my buddies yet most of them are busy. turns out, during the evening, i lie awake, in disbelief of how my day had gone. starts planning for tomorrow.

2. SEEPING THROUGH JUNKIES. for everybody’s information, i have a mini-closet full of stack from the past (letters, autographs, diaries, gifts, wallets, photo albums, etc). sometimes my soul finds its rest in this “heap.” i read each of them, carefully tracking down each item’s history and those significant people who became part of those memories.

3. FRIENDS.FRIENDS.FRIENDS. what could be more fun than having stayed friends with your toddler playmates?! every meeting is filled with fun- though we’re all revved up with different issues and topics to discuss (sometimes to debate upon). most of the times, my childhood siblings gather to share life and it’s goodness thereof. and so, in the name of the midnight society, i call this story….

4. SOMEBODY SLEPT OVER. long-lost friends are always welcome for sleep-overs! but i have to warn you that there ain’t gonna be much of the “sleep” thing! we could do the craziest things, tell each other secrets, bash around and get laid! Ooops! i guess there’s gonna be some “sleeping” after all….