smeareddoll

I came home early this morning. Had a hard time sleeping. i've written poems once again and oh darn, i'm full of this hatred thing goin' on!

somebody wanted to talk to me regarding my past relationship. said she just wanted to clear things up. as if it would help. nothing's to be cleared anymore. we've gone our separate ways and i know he's happy with whom he's chosen.

 i, am happy too. but not as quite. don't want to rush into things… to expect is the least i would do. nobody owns me now. i'm my own boss. shouldn't i be glad to know that?!

 someday i will just stop hating. i know i will. someday i'll be truly happy. someone will love me (in the real sense of the word). i'll just wait here.  

reasons why i (sometimes) stay up all night:

1. UNFULFILLING DAY. isn’t every morning supposed to bring new hope? ever since i quit my job, i wake up with nothing much to do so i hold on to my handphone- stare at it for ages ’til a message or a call comes in. i try to keep in touch with some of my buddies yet most of them are busy. turns out, during the evening, i lie awake, in disbelief of how my day had gone. starts planning for tomorrow.

2. SEEPING THROUGH JUNKIES. for everybody’s information, i have a mini-closet full of stack from the past (letters, autographs, diaries, gifts, wallets, photo albums, etc). sometimes my soul finds its rest in this “heap.” i read each of them, carefully tracking down each item’s history and those significant people who became part of those memories.

3. FRIENDS.FRIENDS.FRIENDS. what could be more fun than having stayed friends with your toddler playmates?! every meeting is filled with fun- though we’re all revved up with different issues and topics to discuss (sometimes to debate upon). most of the times, my childhood siblings gather to share life and it’s goodness thereof. and so, in the name of the midnight society, i call this story….

4. SOMEBODY SLEPT OVER. long-lost friends are always welcome for sleep-overs! but i have to warn you that there ain’t gonna be much of the “sleep” thing! we could do the craziest things, tell each other secrets, bash around and get laid! Ooops! i guess there’s gonna be some “sleeping” after all….

why do most people like keeping secrets? i personally don’t. taking secrets from friends makes me feel heavier (like they’re putting their baggage on you) but i can’t do anything about it. i love my friends and that’s one way of showing them that i value the friendship.

i may have mentioned this before in some of the bulletins i posted in friendster, that my life’s secrets are “evenly” distributed among my dear friends. i just don’t want the truth to be kept forever. no matter how insignificant that secret may be, i’d rather have it told.

after this life there’s going to be a big oral tradition.

(to those who’ve entrusted secrets to me— there’s nothing to worry about. i’m squealing my shit. not yours!)